I have this issue with procrastination. It's a very bad habit and I'm afraid that it will become more and more of a problem, especially as I'm working my way through piles of paper work and large amounts of lists. I don't like dealing with these things, where it requires me to handle the "office work". I just don't function that way and when I absolutely have to, I can become overwhelmed quite easily. Like today for example, I sit down in order to organize what needs to be completed, bought or packed and I take one look through the pile and my brain just quits. It refuses to be handed more then one thing at a time and if I proceed to increase the work load it will thus halt all further functions except to keep the ol' heart beating. However, there was something different about this familiar bought of brain freeze. I took 2 minutes to just sit outside to pray and breathe and there I found the very faint whisper of hope. To you, 2 minutes of breath may just be that time of relaxation in order to get thoughts in place or just to gain a clear head, but for me it was something more: a moment.
One Sunday we heard a sermon about sin. I won't go into details except for the important point that I believe that God wanted me to really hear and understand. Pastor John talked about our reactions to sin, or mainly what do we do and where do we go when we sin? Do we turn away because of our shame, or do we continue on as if nothing ever happened or do we turn and run straight for God because that is how He instructs us to do. It really convicted me, made me realize that my actions no matter how naive, were not righteous in any sense and were not what God was calling me to do through His Word. Not only that, but I also applied this to most other areas in my life. When I'm feeling content/blissful/elated, in a state of anger, sadness, anxiety or just feeling overwhelmed, where do I go and who do I turn to?
It's so easy to be in an attitude of praise and worship when everything is going right, but when something gets upended what's my first reaction? To be honest- Just to stop functioning, or in worse case scenarios: cry (yes, it's sad I know). But as of late I have been attempting making it a discipline to turn to God in whatever situation or mood I'm in.
It's a tough battle I must admit, but one that I'm all the more willing to fight. I want God to be the absolute number one in my life- not at all the quiet, put on your shelf God that I have had collecting dust for probably three quarters of my life, but instead, the God who is Grace, the God who is Love and the God who should be feared because He is Power. To make God a first priority does not come without sacrifice and already I have begun to see relationships that I thought were of importance, begin to erode and for that my heart is saddened. But there is always God's good promise and that is what I cling to.
Now to my moment, that whisper of hope (side note: I do tend to ramble, so bear with me because I'll get to my point...eventually). This moment outside was truly profound because, indeed, my first reaction was to pray! Isn't that just so exciting?!? At least to me it is. It gave me an understanding: When I do something as simple as a call on God amidst a small episode of anxiety and He hears this meager prayer and calms me and gives me the peace of mind to tackle something that 2 minutes ago was so overwhelming to me. Just imagine what'll happen when something a little more out of control presents itself in my life. I have more confidence now than ever before in knowing that when those times arise, I can call on God at any moment, in any situation. And in all of those situations, I pray that God is my first reaction.
On a final note, all the paperwork and lists (except one) have been tackled. I feel more prepared and ready to take on the next project (and I do hope that I can keep up this enthusiasm, for it certainly helps to get the jobs done!). I guess I posted this to kind of give you an idea where I am right now spiritually and mentally, I do hope that you enjoyed it though. But sleep is finally calling me to the land of the dreams. So with that, I bid you adieu.
Much Hugs, Marissa
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